Help, I can't shake out my reef.

[darrenj]

Well, I made the mistake of leaving a reef in the main a few sails ago and now each time I raise the main the admiral vetoes my inclination to shake out the reef just in case the wind gets heavier.

What am I to do?

The only thing I can come up with is to try to raise the main and shake out the reef while the admiral is using the head but she is pretty quick so not sure I will have time.

Any other bright ideas?

Yes, this is meant to be in jest but she really won't let me shake out the reef. I feel a little inadequate when getting passed by other boats under full sail.

[Wind Chime]

Leave it reefed until next year after the Club Regatta ... at least that way the rest of us will have half a chance

[Deeseas]

At last my will have a chance not to finish last." Note to self" talk to her about the scary jib or genoa.

[budgates]

How about setting up a 2 line reef system with halyard, and reef lines all lead back to the cockpit. Then show her how quickly you can reef the sail. I can reef single handed in less than 30 seconds.

[BOAT]

I started sailing at 11 or so years of age but learned my most valuable lesson about being a captain when I was 33 years old!

And I was not even on a boat!

In my 20’s I dry camped all over the southwest on dirt roads in trucks with bed campers towing a dune buggy. We traveled in packs of three and got stuck because we pushed the limits in the truck/camper combos and when we could go no more we switched to the dune buggies to explore further. Tipping over the boat is OK, but leaning over a truck with a camper on your back is scarier because there is no recovery if you go too far.

What does this have to do with your wife you ask?

Fast forward to my thirties and I got married.
My new wife had NEVER gone camping and had no experience at all with off road trucks or any of that stuff - so I bought a cheap little truck and put a little pop up camper in it and took new wife out for her first trip, wondering if it was also going to be my LAST trip. On that first trip I picked a road called West Camino Cielo with a wonderful mountain overlook of Lake Cachuma, Golita, Santa Barbara, and the Channel Islands, but I encountered a place where a rock slide fell on the road. I really wanted her to see all these wonderful things at the same time from the top but I was a scared, but I acted like I was not scared. I said to my wife - "Gee, that looks steep, I wonder if we should stop here" and I had already told her about the incredible view from the top. She replied - "if you want to go to the top I guess you gotta go for it". I realized she had no concept of what I was going to attempt because she had no experience - but I did not want to scare her so I did not say it was a dangerous.

I DID have experience:

To get around a rock slide that buries the road before you without tipping over you need to barrel away fast at it and turn up - then just as the rig starts tipping over you turn 'down' so it throws the rig to the other side. If you went high enough you should land on the road on the other side. Turn too soon and you go down the canyon. When I did this the truck did indeed go on two wheels on the Starboard side - I had to turn hard to Starboard to get the port wheels back on the ground - to my surprise I made it to the road below. I was scared out of my mind - but the whole time my wife was going: WHOOO WHOO! and laughing. I realized that I had just cemented all my future camping trips and because I did not panic or put my wife in fear, that now there was nothing I would encounter in the camper that would scare her. That night camping all alone on that overlook with a glass of wine made camping her favorite activity.

I learned an important lesson about being a captain years after I have already been a veteran sailor: 'Never let the crew see you scared'.

Fast forward 20 years and we finally buy a MAC.
First time out of the marina after about 2 hours of shakedown I told my wife the boat was going to lean over steeply because I needed to test the rigging close hauled. I even sat on the low side to reassure my wife I was not scared. I expected the boat to go to 30 degrees or so and stop, but 'boat' put over to 45 degrees straightaway - the whole time I'm thinking "what the hull!" but saying nothing and watching my wife. Her surprise was more alarmed than the truck experience and I quickly told her not to worry - "don't be scared" - I said - "The boat can't tip over" – after a few minutes like this she got more comfortable at 45 degrees so I pushed harder - 50 degrees - and I noticed she was getting comfortable with the whole thing - I was deadpan calm on the outside but in my mind I was wondering at what point I was going to start swimming. At the point I could not get the boat to lean over any further I joined her on the high side and we enjoyed a rather sideways (be it slow) sail out to sea. Remembering my camper experience – I got her to that WHOOO WHOO! point so that I knew I was going to be good for all future sailing.

I can to this day lean the boat as far as I want and my wife does not complain at all. I did show her how to release the mainsheet herself if she got too scared but after 4 years I have only seen her even look at the mainsheet once in fear, and that only lasted a few seconds.

[darrenj]

We have the quick reef system and practice using it at the beginning of each season including this one.
She is simply not comfortable with heeling over 15 degrees which is fine, we seem to go hull speed at 15 degrees or less anyway.
The problem is that I am just relaxing trimming the sails and not really thinking about the heel when we get close to 15 degrees and she starts getting concerned and I don't notice that she is getting worried.

Great story Boat. Better hope your wife does not read it lol!

[budgates]

We have the quick reef system and practice using it at the beginning of each season including this one.
She is simply not comfortable with heeling over 15 degrees which is fine, we seem to go hull speed at 15 degrees or less anyway.
The problem is that I am just relaxing trimming the sails and not really thinking about the heel when we get close to 15 degrees and she starts getting concerned and I don't notice that she is getting worried.

Great story Boat. Better hope your wife does not read it lol!

My wife is the same. I finally convinced her that heeling, even as much as 30-40 degrees is no big deal but she still gets nervous beyond 15 degrees.

BOAT, thanks for the story. I enjoyed it. Unfortunately my wife is quite the opposite.

[Tomfoolery]

I'm afraid my last boat will be a trawler. The admiral doesn't like the 'tilting'.

[BOAT]

I'm afraid my last boat will be a trawler. The admiral doesn't like the 'tilting'.

Being the captain to your crew is something all of you can do. If I can do it, ANYONE can do it. They did an entire movie about guys like me – it’s called ‘The Caine Mutiny’ and guys like me relate to Captain Queeg. No one understands guys like us until the last part of the movie.



I was always embarrassed at how long it would take me to learn the principles of leadership because looking back I had many great examples in my youth. My dad was a great leader, I had many friends and teachers that supported me, but I was always failing – a great crew-member, but never a captain. This was in ALL areas of my life. When I was diagnosed with autism in my 50’s it proved to me that I really had issues trying to relate.

Understanding emotions effects being the skipper as it does work, friends, and even pets.

Example:
I have never been an animal person.

When I was young I noticed animals would try to bite me – in particular horses and dogs. I had no empathy with animals but in my teens I enjoyed going to the stables to ride with friends. After being bitten many times I just got used to the bites and they did not scare me anymore. The bites were always minor and I just accepted them. Then I noticed the horse sort of realized I did not care if he nipped me, I sort of ignored it – then the horse stopped biting!? What’s up with that? I got to the point where I could sit in the saddle and stick my boot in the horse’s mouth and dare him to bite me – but the horses would no longer take the bait! What the hull happened??

The animals were biting me because they were NOT ‘autistic’ – the animals DID have empathy and they could sense my fear and used it. The animals were just doing what any healthy creature can do – read emotions. People can do it, dogs can do it, even rabbits and horses can do it.

But not me.

If a troll like me can learn to observe behavior and compensate for it then guys like you all should have no trouble at all.

Still, I have learned to not be completely un-sympathetic with your dilemma and I was discussing with mastrb another new neato gadget I wanted to create for the MAC – it’s an electric winch to control the mainsheet. Only this winch has an angle and velocity detector in it that can sense the motion of the boat and operate the mainsheet automatically to maintain whatever degree of heel you want to maintain.

It's not difficult to bolt on the available technology to existing electric winches, but I am not any good at electronics so I need help from mastreb or some other electronics guys to figure it out. There are already cordless electric winches for sailboats that go right on the existing winch. I'm thinking of a unit that attaches to the traveler.
A gadget like that might help some of you guys with your crew problems.

I can’t imagine living my life on top of some stinking diesel engine bobbing around in the ocean always less than 50 miles from shore looking for fuel every 300 miles. That’s just a horrible alternative. I have nightmares of fire on board places like that.

[Tomfoolery]

I can’t imagine living my life on top of some stinking diesel engine bobbing around in the ocean always less than 50 miles from shore looking for fuel every 300 miles. That’s just a horrible alternative. I have nightmares of fire on board places like that.

Well in defense of trawlers everywhere, it's a mighty puny fuel tank on a trawler that has to be filled every 300 nm. My FIL's Kady-Krogen 42 would do NYC to southern FL on a tank, and still have half a tank left. But that's what you get with a single 140 hp Lehman diesel, and keeping it below hull speed.

[Rumdirty]

I love the stories I read on here sometimes. Boat makes me laugh (with ya, not always at ya). I don't always have time to type a reply and thank you all for the wonderful entertainment. So uhhh Thanks!

Wish we had a thumbs up button. Stupid Facebook has spoiled me.

[sailboatmike]

Funny story about my partner, she now loves sailing and even heeling, I have taught her how to sail and let her take the wheel and main sheet at every opportunity, she feels in control and the master of her own fate rather than just being along for the ride.

First time she sailed she had all the stuff in the cabin neat and tidy with thing sitting on the table and galley bench, I chuckled to myself knowing that nothing was put away and what was going to happen as soon as we heeled, needless to say we started to heel as the sails filled and all the neatly put on benches stuff crashed to the floor,

Lesson learnt for her, she stows everything whilst I do the boat checks before we head out now, all part of learning about sailing.

I could of told her to stow it properly in the first place, but a easy lesson learnt and no damage to anything and she wont forget to stow things securely now.

As a trainer, one of the things we do is always let people have control of their own destiny, if they feel they are in control they feel more positive and are more lightly to push themselves past their comfort zone when they feel that they have the power to back it off if they feel it gets too much

[Wind Chime]

... always let people have control of their own destiny, if they feel they are in control they feel more positive and are more lightly to push themselves past their comfort zone when they feel that they have the power to back it off if they feel it gets too much

I think encouraging significant others (male or female) to have more control of the vessel (wheel/tiller, mainsheet, etc.) might be the key to this whole thing of fear of heeling etc. ... although some people just naturally have a lower tolerance of fear and risk, and accepting this may be hard for some of us, myself included.

In a car, my wife is not a great passenger - forget backseat driver she drives from the passenger seat including putting on the breaks and grabbing the holy- sheet bar on the dash ... and this is when we are in the parking lot at the store, so we have a much nicer day if she drives and I just smile and chit-chat.

But on the boat she is very hesitant to take control, or heel. (wheel or the mainsheet) ... if I could somehow mange to encourage my lovely darling to get a little more hands on the controls (like in the car), I think it probably would end up more like the car - and I would never get the wheel back.

Besides teaching weather classes for the CPS, I coach Foul-Weather sailing classes for our club where I encourage people to reach out a little at a time beyond their comfort zone (in a controlled environment) which most people embrace, but you must first have a certain level of desire to want to reach beyond your personal comfort zone.

How to get some people over this initial hump of "heeling and fear" verses "control and confidence" is a great discussion. Thanks for bringing it up darrenj.

[BOAT]

To get ready for swimming you need to sail a small boat and tip it over. Most of us have already done that many many times as kids. If you have never done it I recommend you go rent a dingy at the harbor and go dump it. The experience is valuable and you will not be scared to dump a boat after that. You will realize it's not a death sentence. You should be ready to dump your boat if your the captain - you need to know in your mind what you are going to do if you tip it over.

If you are the captain - it's your job to try to get the crew ready, but it's not a failure on your part if your crew is NOT ready. Crew preparedness takes time and takes the right crew. Sometimes that will never happen. Preparing a crew for different circumstances is a matter if drilling. We do a MOB drill where I suddenly announce that I have just fallen overboard and I can't help. My wife will just release all lines first - that's what she was taught - then she is to scream out for location. I will then pretend I am way over on the port side or well to aft, or some different location every time. Then I watch her struggle to get the boat to turn, or maneuver closer to where I "pretend" I am in the water. Now, I assure you, 50% of the time she is not so good at getting the boat to go in the right direction and I don't make a big deal about it. I keep the whole thing fun and goofy like a game. In a real emergency I would be barking orders from the water or telling her to turn this way or that (getting her in a locked or circling configuration) so I could swim back to the boat. I'm not so much calculating her difficulty with the maneuver as I am timing how long it takes for her to stop the boat - and in the back of my mind I am recording how long I will need to be in the water and how far I will need to swim if I DO fall over. The important thing to me is that each time she gets the boat stopped in a little less time than before. That's all I really care about. By calculating how long I predict I will be in the water I can decide many things: What days to wear a life vest (if I am in cold water or high seas) Should I try to save my shoes? Should I waste time having her throw a float? Various things change based on how long I think I can survive in the water. If I am not feeling well that day I might grab a vest.

She has been taught that if she can't find me she is to stay with the boat at all costs and call for help on the radio. That's always the last resort. (My main concern is that she is stranded on the ocean so I have told her not to worry and that someone will always come to get her if she needs help). I make it a point to have the radio on a lot just so she can hear the people talking and so she can see that we are not really alone as long as the radio works.

It's hard to balance the boating so that it stays fun for everyone in the family. You can't just slam down everyone on board to be the perfect crew member. I learned that from my dad - on his boat he would let my mom enjoy herself and never got on my sister about anything but since I was the mate he was very hard on me that I was to be capable of running all aspects of the boat without him. If my sister made a mistake during a tack or something it was no big deal but if I did it it was deadly serious matter. You need to pick the crew members you think can handle things, and for those you think can't you sort of let them slide.

That makes it hard for those of us that only have one crew member - I understand you issues, really. In those cases (In my opinion) it's better to treat yourself like a solo sailor and have everything planned out for yourself and let the crew just enjoy the cruise. There is nothing worse than an unhappy crew no matter how experienced they are. Crew moral is VERY important.

If you crew is not capable, don't push it.

[darrenj]

Wow, there is a lot to absorb and process here.
All of it is really good information.

It sounds like most folks are telling me 'Do what you can (let her hold the sheet, steer etc) to make your wife comfortable and if her comfort level means leaving the reef in then leave the reef in.'

Can't really argue with that.